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Tony's Musical Mission Journal... Hi friends and fans! I've created this space for myself to share with you, and I'm giving myself permission to share whatever and whenever I feel like sharing. Kind of my personal Music Mission journal - and you get to read it without having to sneak around. Come on back. I promise there'll be something honest and interesting to read here. (BTW, the latest entries are at the top, the oldest at the bottom...). ********* In the meantime, here is the text of my official Musical Mission Statement: Tony's Musical Mission As a songwriter, I aim to create music that resonates with something in the depths of my own true heart, so that the songs that make their way through me have the power to awaken others to the depth and beauty in their own true hearts. As a performer, I aim to stand in the center of the songs I have written, and to passionately and tenderly deliver their message. My prayer and intention is for every person in my audience to leave the concert with their heart more open and expanded than when they arrived. As an artist, I am committed to making music that actually says something worthy of listening to, and that contributes to people's hearts and souls rather than merely entertaining or distracting them. (And to have fun doing it!) --Tony
Rooney
09-14-02 The biggest "blip on the screen" of late has been the honor to be included in GMIA's 9-11 fundraiser CD "Let Freedom Sing", and then the additional honor of being asked by The United Way to play at Centennial Park for the 9-11 Memorial this past week. At first, I missed the significance of these honors, and thought of them more in terms of "my next little career moves" (I'm embarrassed to say that, but it's true - and I told you I was gonna be honest here). But fortunately, I have a lot of beautiful and loving people around me who kept reminding me how these invitations were such a wonderful opportunity to make a CONTRIBUTION. Finally, on September 10, I got it (kind of an epiphany while I was off meditating on my own, which is a little hilarious, since so many people TOLD me exactly the same thing for the last two weeks): "This is the PERFECT gig! My Musical Mission is all about helping people (including myself) open our hearts to ourselves and others through music. Well, here I am being asked to play a song that is ALL about what really matters in life, for an audience that has chosen to be there for the purpose of healing their own hearts and supporting the healing of others. Could there be a better venue for my music?" Once I got that, pretty much all the "performance anxiety" drained away over the next day, and left me with a glow in my heart that enabled me to have a GREAT time at the September 11 Memorial. Being a part of the Centennial Park Memorial brought back feelings I haven't felt since I was a kid. In fact, I felt just like a kid at camp, having fun ALL DAY LONG without even thinking of being tired, and then feeling sweetly sad (twelve hours later) that it was over already. As I said to my bandmates halfway through the day: "This is what I want to do when I grow up!". At this point in my life, for whatever reason, music is just the world I want to be immersed in. It's not a subtle force. I CRAVE it. It's a bit on the obsessional side (I think my wife Deva would probably say more than a "bit"). I get so excited about doing ANYTHING that even remotely supports my Music Mission. Going to Staples to buy paper supplies for printing marketing materials is like going on a sacred quest. And going to the music store to buy strings and picks is like a journey to Mecca. Most of the time it seems like I'm either DOING something in support of my Music Mission, or doing whatever else I have to do to ALLOW me do the next thing for my Music Mission. Anyway, back to September 11: We met so many wonderful people that day ("we" being me and Kenn and Rusty and Sonia and Dean, "The Band" for the day), all giving of themselves to help make this event a beautiful and meaningful experience for everyone. It was the kind of vibe that makes you just want to pitch in and HELP, rather than think of "what's in it for me". And then to have the honor of getting on stage and sharing
something from my musical heart of hearts with so many kindred spirits
was absolutely fabulous. I had a wonderful moment with another musician who's becoming a true friend. I had said something earlier about "wishing we could all make a living doing this". She went out of her way to find me later, took my hands and looked me straight in the eye and said "Don't you ever complain about 'not being able to make a living at music', because someday you WILL -- you weren't given such beautiful music to share if God didn't want people to hear it" (or words to that effect). It was one of those moments where I had to work hard just to stay in my body and let in what she was saying (fortunately Kenn was right by my side). Why was it so hard? Because that's exactly the blessing I long to receive: to KNOW that what I am up to here is what I am "Supposed" to be doing, not just some wild goose chase for fame and fortune. And to KNOW that I'll be supported along the way in doing it. I promised her on the spot that as of that moment I would no longer make whiney/cynical/negative comments about "not making money" as a musician.And I meant it. (And now you're my witness, too.)
3-28-02 "The Teachings Of Kid Rock" (a.k.a., my most recent kidney stone) To make profound music - to be a worthy vessel for the music that wants to make its way through me - my first responsibility is to take care of my spiritual life such that I'll even be able to sort the profound from the mundane in the first place. That means, among other things, that I must RELAX. The body tension I carry is FEAR, and it works so hard AGAINST The Mission. For one thing, it exhausts me. Why am I so tired all the time? Well, having been in bed now for more or less a whole day on narcotic pain killers, I can remember what it feels like to be RELAXED. And it's very different than how I've been feeling otherwise lately! It came to me so clear in meditation just now, let me see if I can recapture it. Hmmmm…. I guess it's going to have to come back in pieces rather than in a nice neat bundle… 1. the TENSION I carry in my throat thwarts me from singing with real power and depth and presence 2. the belief that it's up to ME to make the Mission go puts a lot of TENSION into my body 3. It's GOD'S Mission, not "mine". I'm invited to SERVE the Mission, but not to "control" it. 4. The best way I can SERVE the Mission is to do the work necessary to stay attuned to GOD (sort of the exact opposite of how I've been approaching things of late). I'm in charge of being a loving man. God's in charge of my music career. 5.What takes me DEEPER into "me" is what both brings me peace and what opens me to be the channel for truly worthy music. What takes me "OUT" of me ("away" from me - e.g., addictions, judgments, obsession with the details of life) is what closes me down as a portal for great musical creation. Thus SITTING STILL/MEDITATING/BREATHING DEEP AND LONG/PRAYING is what "relaxes" me as a musical sphincter enough to let truly LARGE music come through. Stressing, worrying, working "harder and harder", trying to FORCE things - that's what closes me DOWN, tightens me up to where there's no ROOM for anything profound to make its way through me. 6. As Ram Dass says, all I have to offer is my state. If I'm trying to create music that will contribute to other people's state of consciousness while I'm destroying my own, I'm deluding myself. If I'm thinking that I can trash my own life, my own health, my own spiritual well being and still somehow squeeze out truly profound music, I'm deluding myself. Even if I'm able to "chisel" out a good song here and there, I won't have the PRESENCE to deliver it with true soul, and thus it will fall flat on the ears of those who hear it. 7. So… I've got to start taking MUCH better care of myself. It IS time to start drinking lots of water on a daily basis - as much for the basic hydration and purification as to ward off future kidney stones. It IS time to start meditating again on a daily basis. How completely INSANE not to! Lying in bed in relative bliss yesterday, I recognized that drug and sleep induced state as being qualitatively similar to the state of true meditation and prayer. It involves being STILL. It involves being RELAXED muscularly. It involves paying attention to the sensations of NOW, not so much the "future"/"goal"/ "vision" of how things are somehow "supposed" to be. 8. If I really want to be a part of a profound musical creative force, then my first allegiance is to be connected to GOD. Taking lots of frantic action WITHOUT that attunement has been getting me more or less nowhere. And since that attunement IS the REAL Mission of my existence, to sacrifice that for "musical success" would be a travesty (even if it were possible). 9. Meditation/relaxation/prayer is my primary conduit/vehicle for establishing this spiritual connection. Thus meditation/relaxation/prayer must be my first priority in making life-style choices. It's the one thing that should NEVER be sacrificed (whereas lately it's been the FIRST thing I've sacrificed in the supposed service of "getting things done with too much to do"). 10. The Mission IS real. It's as real as I let it be. It's an amazing invitation to me. But I can't "grab" it or "steal" it or "make it happen". Rather, I'm called to RECEIVE it, ALLOW it, LISTEN to and ATTUNE to it, SERVE it. 11. And the Mission is? To dive deep into the Truth of the Self through the vessel of my own true self to allow music to make its way through me that is in resonance with both The True Self and "my" true self. Music that has integrity of heart AND soul. 12. I can feel it "trying" to make its way through me. My mission is to slow down, sit still, LISTEN deep, and LET it happen, LET it come through. I'm here to USHER it, not "make" it. 13. And in so doing, I will be transformed. I'll HAVE to be transformed, because the condition I've been in lately isn't suited to being a channel for the Music that wants to make its way through me. 14. Perhaps the most distilled version of all of the above: HAVE FAITH and SEEK TO SERVE… (and do not fear…).
Get out of the way, T-Man!
3-20-02 As some of you may already know, I've been internally whining inside lately about how HARD it is to "make it" in the music business. The cards are so stacked against ART - or perhaps more accurately, "art" is irrelevant there. I received a "review" yesterday from a perspective agent (i.e., a music lawyer) whom I had given a CD to. He took the time to make some very thoughtful and considered points about how the music business runs on what amounts to "age discrimination", and that, even though my CD was of high quality and the songs were meaningful, my age in itself would prevent me from getting a record deal right from the get go, etc. Besides just being one more punch in the chest (fortunately, I'm learning to - as my friend Susan put it to me yesterday - "wear my gladiator outfit" as an artist), what strikes me about his comments is that they had almost NOTHING to say about the value of the music itself, the message(s) I'm aiming to communicate, the SOUND of the CD, etc. NOTHING. He analyzed it (perhaps appropriately, given his job) purely from a sales and marketing perspective, and came to the conclusion that it was unlikely to make enough money to justify the risk. And that, friends, is as close to an enemy as we've got on this Mission - the situation where COMMERCE determines "art", rather than the other way around. Where what is created is created to SELL - rather than to contribute. Rather than simply being an EXPRESSION of something beautiful inside someone, "art" is reduced to a calculation of "how can I construct something musical from what's inside of me that will sell records?". Some decent musical creations may come of that approach, but nothing extraordinary - by definition! Yesterday, I had a moment of feeling pretty oppressed. Like I was fighting a war against all the "bad" (i.e., money-oriented, crass, artistically deafened, power-tripping, phony, secretly scared and secretly hopeful) people in the music industry, who often seem so motivated to remind me that I'm taking on an impossible Mission. Today, though, I feel more awake. I'm not fighting a war, thank God. I'm not (primarily) having to "protect" myself. The Mission is simply to create something so beautiful that people can't HELP but listen. That's my only hope! I haven't got a nice pair of boobs or a hard body or a great set of tattoos and body piercings (hell, I haven't even got all my hair left!). My only chance is to create music that is truly compelling, truly sincere, truly meaningful, truly BEAUTIFUL. If I do that, I believe people will listen, regardless of what the state of the music industry is at this time. In fact, perhaps they'll listen partly BECAUSE of the state of the music business. Because there's GOT to be more people like me/us that are sick of being fed pap and poison in the form of "music" - and HUNGRY for something more nutritious. Some other realizations: 1. I'm making a commitment not to rail against any one TYPE of music, or worse, particular musical artist. I have certainly learned this week how hurtful it is to have one's art "attacked". NO ONE deserves that. After all, the only reason I would really be motivated to make such an attack would be envy and righteousness anyway. Much more promising to SUCCEED at what I'm doing that to put somebody down for what THEY'RE doing… 2. It would be fun to actually READ FROM some of my rejection letters on stage, and give people a glimpse into how the "music industry" works (or doesn't work) at this point! 3. I should make a t-shirt for myself that says "All I have to do is make something beautiful" upside down (i.e., so I can read it!).
"Your music is very deep. Maybe TOO deep. You're right - it's definitely for people over thirty. The problem is, there isn't a record company out there that I know of that is even TARGETING the "over thirty" crowd. They can't make enough money at it. Even the acts that the "over thirty" generation got attached to when they were younger - like Elton John, Jimmy Buffett, etc. -- can't sell enough records to make much money for the labels. So it's not a question of whether or not the music is good or worthy - it's a question of who will BUY it. And 15 to 25 year olds are the target market, period". Wow. For some reason this guy really got through to me. It's not that I haven't heard it before, but this guy really LISTENED to my music, and this is what he had to say. Kind of a "reality sandwich", you know? It still won't stop me. In fact, it actually motivates me, in an angry kind of way. It's just plain INFURIATING to come to grips with the actual state of affairs in the music business right now. It makes me think of that bumper sticker: "IF YOU'RE NOT PISSED OFF, YOU'RE NOT PAYING ATTENTION". So, we all knew this at some level, but it's a real punch in the chest to get it in such a straight dose: The music business isn't about "music", it's about money. It's CERTAINLY not about "art". If you're over thirty, you're an "old person" by the standard of the music industry - both as an artist/performer AND as a consumer. In the current market, even GREAT records artistically can't make money for the labels UNLESS they appeal directly to the "15 to 25" crowd." And that's just how it is. For now. Maybe.
3-01-02 If there was any doubt left that music as art in our culture is in need of critical care, this had to be the final proof... I'm a musician -- that's what I am. I'm a PASSIONATE musician, and I'm passionate about MUSIC. I tune in to a program like this HOPING to be inspired, HOPING to be moved, HOPING to hear something that rocks my musical boat. So I think it's telling that I literally couldn't stay in the room for most of that broadcast. Not because I was so violently ill (although I DID feel ill about it) -- but just because I was so violently BORED. I found myself walking around my house, looking out the window onto the street, going to the microwave to make popcorn, checking my e-mail -- all while the best and the brightest of our musical community were supposedly being honored. There's something wrong here... I've made a promise to myself not to go into insulting individual performers -- there's no need for that. And, despite all the glib talk about "overnight sensations" and "lucky breaks", I know damn well how hard ALL of these people have worked to make their music a reality, and a success. But, COME ON, FOLKS... There was an awful lot of absolute CRAP up for awards, and I can't believe that this wasn't absolutely obvious to everyone (except the people receiving the awards, of course!). Talk about the Emperor's New Clothes! What a bunch of hyped-up bullshit! I swear, there was more art in the damn dance routines and sets and costumes than there was in the music I heard (again, for the MOST part -- I'm not saying there wasn't ANYTHING worthwhile, just precious LITTLE). The only reasonable conclusion I can come to is that these awards must be somewhere close to 100% political, i.e., money talks. Because if this is the BEST of music on planet earth right now, we're in seriously sad shape. I could go on and on, but I'd just be complaining. I must say, though, it pisses me off -- because there IS art being made out there in the form of music, and it DESERVES recognition. Most importantly, it deserves to be HEARD! There's been talk in the industry lately of a return to the "singer/songwriter" era, a return to MEANINGFUL songwriting and AWAY from boy and girl band pap and self-intoxicated nihilistic poison. But there was certainly little indication of that last night...
2-18-02 But before I can answer that one, I thought maybe I ought to look a bit closer to home. So I've begun compiling my own personal list of songs that, for whatever reason, changed ME ("me", of course, being one little part of "the world"…)
Wings Of Fire, John McLaughlin and the Mahavishnu Orchestra: I guess this was my version of the thrill I think a lot of teens and twenty-somethings get from heavy guitar music: there is something so INTENSE about this recording that it was unfathomable -- and almost unbearable - to me. I got it on a free vinyl "sampler", and played it over and over again for hours on end (much to the dismay of my mother!)… No words - just someone's soul screaming through an electric guitar. How Can I Tell You?, Cat Stevens: another one that simply pierced my heart. The LONGING, the HUMILITY. For me, the greatest "unrequited" love song ever written. God, what an incredible musician… All You Need Is Love, The Beatles: Really, just one of MANY. But I list it here because it is so simply POSITIVE and SPIRITUAL, in the truest sense of the words (i.e., without being pedantic, preachy and predictable!). An utterly hooky POP song that joyously proclaims an eternal spiritual Truth - now that's the shit! Carry On, CSN&Y: God, they were so mystical and intense and sincere and alive. This song had so much MYSTERY to it, so much unstated DEPTH. It loosened feelings in me I would STILL have a hard time putting words to. It made me think -- and WONDER… Imagine, John Lennon: My first (and perhaps best ever) taste of music as a vehicle for political expression. So simple and poetic and personal, but so far-reaching in its implications for our culture and our world. A bullet aimed at the heart of our most cherished cultural beliefs - and a window to something purer and more real. "Wish I had a pond to skate away on" (I forget the title), Joni Mitchell ("Blue"): I first heard this song (hell, this entire ALBUM, about three times in a row) lying on a couch with an amazing girlfriend of mine at her hippiesque communal home, probably good and stoned and in and out of sex and sleep. Good God, Joni got naked on this one. That whole album was - and still is -- like a trance for me. She was so adorable and seemingly innocent - and on FIRE as an artist. American Pie, Don McLean: Strangely enough, I heard this song for the first time sitting in my father's car, waiting for him in a parking lot in Princeton, NJ. Just a few minutes before I heard this song, I had heard the news that our local homecoming queen had been killed in a car accident. Both of these events blew my mind and heart, and intermingle in me to this day. The synchronicity was amazing - I mean, "Bye, bye, Miss American Pie…"! I can still hardly believe those two events occurred so closely and poetically in time. ("And good old boys were drinking whiskey and wine and singin' 'This will be the day that I die'"… I even later learned that her boyfriend was killed as well, and that there was alcohol involved…). Bethlehem, Paula Cole: This song could possibly be credited with shaking me out of my musical slumber. I was in a dance/yoga retreat at Kripalu Yoga Center, and this song came on during one of the classes. From the moment it came on, I was captivated - at first by the quality of the production, but then shortly by the power of the poetry and the pain and the passion. I remember sitting there (while everyone else was doing their movement work) feeling the Muse calling to me again from somewhere far, far away, and my own heart saying "YES! This is what pop music CAN be - beautiful and powerful to listen to AND saying something deep and worthy". I bought her album at my first opportunity, and listened to it over and over, as though I had just discovered music again for the first time. Barber's Adagio For Strings: Yikes. This is an amazing piece of music. It's probably the closest thing I've ever heard on the earth plane to the Music Of The Spheres I once heard as a kid. It has the same quality of reaching into you, grabbing you by the heart, and taking you… Up. And then Up some more. And then, just when you thought it was over… it takes you Up AGAIN. There's a sorrow and a mourning in it, a soulful, plaintive quality that I sometimes think can only be accomplished with live strings. You've probably heard this piece - it's been used a lot in movies since it's first appearance (I believe) at the end of the movie Platoon, when the Willem Dafoe character is finally heading out of Vietnam in the back of a helicopter… Okay, a few more… Drawn To The Rhythm, Sarah McLachlan: (She HAS to make this list -- she's my most contemporary musical hero!). Another one that brought me out of my musical sleep (the whole album, really - Solace). The first time I remember hearing this song I was literally at the beach with Deva, so I guess I was already more in touch with "the rhythm of the sea" than I usually am. There was something so fresh and pure and honest and hypnotic about it. I am proud to say that I became a die-hard Sarah McLachlan fan from that moment on -- WAY before she made it big in this country… Calling All Angels, Jane Siberry: A classic, in my humble opinion. So profound. So otherworldly. So mystical. And yet so HUMAN. I fell in love with the version she sings with k.d. laing (Deva and I even played it as we "walked to the alter" at our wedding). But now there's another version out which Jane did for the end of the (greatly under-appreciated) movie Pay It Forward. The Fuse, Jackson Browne: Wow. What a potent song. He's got so many, really - the guy was just ON FIRE when he wrote and recorded those early songs (not that his later stuff isn't amazing in its own right). Once again, that combination of pop/rock music, but with such a powerful existential subtext - and so much unaffected humanity. As I consider all these songs, it's really ONE thing that ties them all together: they all opened my heart when I heard them. They all pierced me. Some of them just plain SLAYED me. Some of them had a "message", but some of them simply cracked my heart open with their honesty and vulnerability and courage. This "cracking our heart open" thing is, for me, THE service that separates true art from entertainment, whatever the medium. One scary thing about this list: Almost all of these songs are at least a decade or two old… LOVE, Still more, now that I think of it: Lady Madonna, The Beatles: I heard this song on the radio of my school bus coming home from grade school (Jr. High?) one day. It felt like drugs to me. It was so… TOUGH. And so impossibly tender at the same time. I could hardly believe they said the word "breast" - and the brutality of that next line "wonders how you manage to feed the rest". God, that's Art, man… All The Lonely People, The Beatles: And the Gates Of Compassion Were Opened… In a few sketchy little verses John and Paul captured the essence of two ordinary people's lostness and loneliness and pathos - and we all knew they were talking about us, too… Julia, The Beatles (really John, I think…): Wow. Talk about getting naked. A love song to his mother, full-out romantic, reeking of unmet need and longing. Let's Burn Down The Cornfield, Randy Newman: just one of the amazing songs on his (first?) album "Ten Songs". I was just a kid when I saw him on some talk show (Merv Griffin?), and knew he had something that I wanted to have. In hindsight, I guess I could tell that he was really IN his songs as he sang them. Burn Down The Cornfield is one of the spookiest/unnerving/erotic songs you'll ever hear. I Don't Know How To Love Him, Tim Rice/Andrew Lloyd Webber (Jesus Christ Superstar): Again, really it's the whole album. But this one was SO naked, so unabashedly devotional… Angie, The Rolling Stones: I was in the back of my friend's mom's Volkswagon Beetle as a young boy, and this song came on the radio. For some reason it really GOT to me, and I had to work at holding back tears as we drove along. I couldn't wait to hear it again -alone --when I could cry… Suite Judy Blue Eyes, CSN&Y: This is one of those songs that I have to presume was "birthed" rather than "written". It's so NOT formulaic, so full of youthful passion and confusion and idealism. This is what happens, I think, when the writer steps out of the way and let's the Muse write the song… The End Of Innocence, Don Henley/Bruce Hornsby: Another one that snuck in through the cracks during my decade away from music. Its message is so undeniable. Everything about it is just so compelling -- you simply HAVE to listen to that song when it plays. The Way It Is, Bruce Hornsby: Wow. Bruce makes it to my list twice. What an honor! (And I don't even own all his albums!). Like Imagine, this song takes compassion from the personal to the political, and always makes me revisit my own numbing to the suffering of others. Love Is Everything, Jane Siberry: (Hmmm... Yet another two-time winner!). The greatest broken heart song I've ever heard. So ****ing poetic! So intimate and self-revealing - and redemptive. And, like all her music, "out of the box" as far as structure and convention are concerned (actually, though I admire her deeply, most of her music is TOO out of the box, even for me). Nichiren, Duncan Sheik (Humming): The last line of this song is a slayer for me. I must've played this song several dozen times when I first got it, just to let myself get set up for that last line again and again. This guy is the real thing. He's even had a few radio hits. But there's a depth and a quiet spirituality to his music that can send chills up your spine - and like Jane, he's WAY out of the box…
(But I'm still not sure I can honestly say any of these songs has "changed the world" - except, as I implied earlier, in as much as I know they opened my own little heart a little wider, and THAT, I suppose, has changed the world, at least in some small way...). What about
YOUR most personally impactful song list??? I'd love to know…
2-01-02 (First "post showcase" rehearsal, just me and Kenn). Dagnabbit! I have got to have the best dang guitarist a singer-songwriter could ever ask for! I can't WAIT for you all to hear Kenn play (and sing) LIVE. He makes me feel my own songs in ways I didn't know I could. Now to find a regular bass player of equal prowess and musicality and humanity, and I will simply have the Dream Band From Heaven. (If you know anyone who might fit the bill, please have him or her contact me!). 1-26-02 As usual, not writing in my journal is not a reflection of having nothing to talk about -- more like SO much going on that I can hardly keep up in real life, much less have time to reflect on it. Just did our "showcase" for GMIA at Eddie's Attic Wednesday night. We had fun, and so did the crowd. It was our first time on stage, however (and only our third time playing together at all, including rehearsals), so we made plenty of mistakes. The "liveness" of the performance more than made up for them, I think, but I'm very much looking forward to the day when we play these songs spot on AND add that extra dose of "live" energy. AND THAT DAY WILL COME. Speaking of "we", I have unquestionably found my guitarist now as well, and his name is Kenn Cook. He's a veteran of the club circuit, and one of the most talented and versatile guitarists I have ever come across -- and a truly decent person to boot. If I ever get whiny about God not smiling on my Music Mission, I just remind myself that God brought me these two guys (Andy and Kenn), and I take one more little sniffle and get over it. I'm starting to have a lot more appreciation and compassion for other artists I have known or heard about. I've had a tendency to be quite judgmental of their various failings and limitations, whether musical or personal. Now, having just had the barest taste of being an artist myself, I understand better what a hard road it is, and how anyone that succeeds at ALL "deserves" it, by definition. 'Cause it don't come easy. There are so many hurdles and obstacles, expenses and let-downs and it takes so much back bustin HARD WORK to get even this far -- and I'm still playing local coffee houses! I can see that it will take enormous dedication, sacrifice and perseverance to take this Mission to a point where my music is heard nationally (as I intend it to be, God Willing). And speaking of dedication, sacrifice and perseverance, it's not just on MY part. I have an amazing team of people behind me now, and they are working their asses off for The Mission -- all for no reward at present except the love of the music, and the fun of playing the Game of seeing if we can get this rocket off the launch pad. Lorrie, Denny, Deva, Lisa, Andy, Kenn -- you know who I'm talking about. I hope you guys know how deeply honored I feel by your generosity of spirit and enthusiasm and just plain old belief in me -- and especially in the music that's making its way through me. I must have been awful nice to you all in a past life... One more thing for now. This really is a Mission. I feel a bit embarrassed to say that right out loud, and I can just see some of my musical colleagues rolling their eyes and thinking I'm on some kind of a Messiah trip or something. But it feels very important to claim it. This Mission IS bigger than me and my little ideas of how it should go. I'm just a soldier here. I AM aiming for something way higher than just getting attention and approval and putting money in the bank. And I am dedicated to doing everything I can to see to it that this music makes a difference in people's lives -- however, whenever and wherever that may be. Onward... 1-08-02 Well, there is no doubt about it. I have found my drummer/percussionist, and his name is Andy Harnsberger. Man, this guy can PLAY... I'd like to boast more about him, but I have a feeling he'd be embarrassed. Let's just say I won't be lacking in the percussion department. I just found out two days ago that I've been awarded a "showcase" spot in the first annual Georgia Music Industry Association "Ready To Be Signed" Showcase. Quite an honor. Me and four other local artists. I get to play four songs. Any votes? 12-17-01 Ah, Humility... Ah, trust in the Larger Process... Ah, Patience... You know, EVERY time I play out I get a bit better. A bit more relaxed. A bit more able to "drop" into the song I'm singing, rather than worry about chords or pitch or rhythm. A bit more able to connect with the audience. A bit more able to actually ENJOY myself on stage ( I kept my audience up until 12:25 AM the other night, 'cause I just wasn't ready to quit playing!). But it's still not good enough. It's nowhere close to what I know in my heart it can be. And I simply have to work harder and longer at going deeper as a performer. I have to take more chances -- not so much "musically" as emotionally. I have to get past the "worrying whether they'll think I'm good" to really DELIVER the song. I have to step INTO the song and surrender to IT -- and to the place in my heart that spawned it. I now have a LOT more respect for those who can do this. It does not come easy. In some ways, I've noticed that my best moments as a performer often involve the experience of being an "audience" to the song MYSELF, even as I'm singing it. When I am taking pleasure in my own performance, I'm somehow able to release more of the essential spirit of the song, just like truly loving someone brings out the best in them... It's actually a neat "trick" I'm developing -- to make a point of noticing something I LIKE about how I'm sounding, and focus on that (rather than my first temptation to anxiously focus on ANYTHING that might be going WRONG). Maybe it's the gravelly tone of my voice, maybe it's the resonance of the chord I just hit, maybe it's the comfort of a solid rhythm. Anyway, focusing on what's RIGHT seems far more effective than focusing on what's WRONG. Another way, I suppose, that being a musician is a lot like being a human being... I got the greatest compliment from a "stranger" (now more like a new friend) after my last performance at Anthony's the other night. She came up to me and told me my performance was like a musical version of a movie she had just seen, "Emily" (at least that's what I thought she said). So happens I ended up seeing "Amile" the next night. One of the sweetest, deepest, cleverest, artiest, unpretentious and emotionally ACCESSIBLE movies I've seen in a long, long time. If my music is as good at being music as that movie is at being a movie, I'm a happy man... On the other hand, I played at the "open mic" at Eddie's Attic again yesterday night. I keep going back there like a moth to the flame, in the desperate hope that SOME DAY it's going to be different, and I will make a splash. But instead, my first song went by unheard in essence due to a terrible mix (guitar up so loud no one could hear my vocals), and then I broke a string right as I went into the chorus of my second song. I recovered well (some kind soul loaned me his guitar to finish with), but once again I missed my chance to really shine. I have to confess, the "competition" part of these experiences does not bring out the best in me. I find myself judging the other players, comparing them unfavorably to my own (unappreciated) musical genius. And then, if someone else is really good, I start in on myself, e.g., "Why are you wasting your time, you middle-aged musical wannabe?". Yuck. Not the way I want to live, as a musician OR as a person (yes, I heard what I just said!). The one good thing about these Eddie's experiences, though, is that they teach me humility -- as always, the hard way. And they inspire me, rightly or wrongly, to keep trying, keep reaching deeper inside for the music I know will some day really move people, really CONTRIBUTE to people -- and finally win me the kind of passionate admiration I so truly deserve :)... 11-24-01 Did my first full length "headliner" gig at Anthony's Pizza last night. There were moments that felt so RIGHT (and a few that didn't, but I'll address that in a minute). The moments that felt RIGHT? When I felt myself immersed in the song itself, when I felt it coming out of me on its own accord, when I was surprised myself by the passion or the beauty that made it's way through my own voice. God, if only I could stretch those moments into a complete performance! I got just a taste of what makes a great performance -- or, more exactly, a great performer. It's STANDING OUT OF THE WAY, letting the SONG (i.e., the Muse) come through as purely as possible. It's a strange paradox, because it also involves being deeply CONNECTED to one's self, to the place in you that resonates with what the song expresses. So I guess it's about being as deeply there as you can be AND being as "transparent" as you can be, all at the same time. Then, there were some moments when I just plain LOST IT, forgot the chords to my own song, and fell apart right there on stage. Ouch! Thank God all my friends were in the front row, loving me through it. It is so different playing for a live audience than rehearsing in the safety and privacy of my own home. It's ten times more thrilling, that's for sure. But there's also a lot more to pay attention to than just "how it sounds". There's a relationship there, a CONNECTION with the audience that must be made and maintained. I have a lot to learn about that, and somehow or other I WILL learn it. At first, I woke up this morning burning inside about all the performance mistakes I made last night. But then I actually got past that, and felt so much love and gratitude just for the chance to do this Thing I'm doing, and for having such loving, supportive people around me as I find my wings. I guess the most important gift of this whole first performance (and its psychic aftershocks) is it's showing me that writing and performing music is a legitimate and viable aspect of my spiritual path (i.e., rather than a distracting indulgence of the ego). It's all there -- the need to go deep within one's own true heart to find something of substance, the courage to put it out there where others can share in it (and/or judge it), the opportunities to BURN the old ego and then to get past that agony to a place of deeper peace and gratitude than you ever could have been without the burning, the opportunities to truly GIVE of your deepest self and to share some of the markers you've found along the way that have pointed you back to your own True Self. And the opportunities to humble and open one's self to accept help along the way. All in all, I feel kinda like a kid who's just learned to dive or ride a bike -- I'm kinda sore, but I can't wait to do it again! 11-19-01 Wow. I just dropped off my final master CD at the post office, headed to the CD duplicator. No more edits. No more changes. No more tweaks. No more choices. No more decisions. It’s done. I just wanted to capture this moment. I feel a little wild. I’m so glad it’s out of my hands. And I don’t know exactly what to do with myself. If this had been a literal baby, it would have been at least a fifteen month pregnancy. I’m so past due to get this thing OUT of me! I put everything I am into making this CD. It’s the absolute best I could do. And the next one will be better. Thank you, God, for all the inspiration. And – finally -- for helping me to FINISH it. May it land upon many people’s ears and make its way into many people’s hearts. But either way, it’s out of my hands – and back into Yours. Amen. 10-11-01 I've never been to Nashville, a.k.a. "Music City, USA". It will be very interesting to see if my music will have a place there. I'm bringing my "all man made materials" cowboy boots, just in case...
8-12-01 I sat down to listen to my whole album at one sitting, to make sure all the spaces between songs felt right, and everything flowed properly, etc. What's so amazing to me is that I actually HEARD my own album. I didn't just hear all the little glitches or imperfections, like I have when I've listened so intently and carefully to my songs for the last few months (a painful and discouraging experience after so much hard work!). I actually HEARD the album. And the really amazing thing, for which I am so deeply grateful, is that I REALLY LIKE IT. This may sound cocky, but if my album had been recorded by somebody else, and I heard it in a record store, I would buy it immediately and run home to my wife to exclaim that I had found something really worth listening to. Thank God. I can rest now. (And I probably shouldn't listen to it again for a while!!!) 8-04-01 Mostly, it's panels of industry professionals talking ad lib about certain topics (e.g., the impact of the internet, the conglomeration of radio stations and record labels, how A&R works, etc.) and then live "showcases" (i.e., one hour performances) by bands and artists at night. For instance, did you know that last year there were thirty-seven THOUSAND new CDs released in this country (about 7000 by major labels and about 30,000 by smaller "indie" labels). Guess how many of them actually made a profit for the label and/or the artist after expenses were recouped? Answer: about seven HUNDRED. How many went "platinum" (i.e., sold over a million copies)? Answer: about fifty. So even if you're lucky enough -- after all your incredibly hard work, risk and sacrifice -- to reach the "Holy Grail" (i.e. "get a label deal"), you still only stand a 2.5% chance statistically of making any money past your initial advance (which almost always gets eaten up recording your CD). So why are there quadrillion twenty-something lined up at this conference and everywhere else around America willing to run like lemmings after this lofty goal with everything they've got? Well, I'm sure high levels of testosterone, a deep-seated need for approval and a healthy dose of naiveté help quite a bit. But then there's the "art" thing. If it's in you and you don't' get it out, you go crazy (or just gray around the edges, like I was). As many famous writers, musicians and artists have said for centuries "I don't do this because I want to, I do it because I HAVE to". But in our culture, "art" has become so violently compromised by "commerce", that 99% of us musical lemmings are just trying to EMULATE the lemmings on the radio, largely because the A&R reps from the record labels (who are the initial gate keepers of what even gets CONSIDERED for production, much less release) have to listen with their hands on their calculators rather than on their hearts. The days when fatherly A&R guys took struggling young artists with "great potential" under their wings are apparently over. Now the A&R guys themselves are mostly in their twenties or early thirties, and they're scared to death they're gonna lose their jobs if they blow a million dollars of their company's money on an act that doesn't turn a profit. Even though it pisses me off, I'm starting to have some compassion for them. They want to stay alive just like everybody else. They're afraid to take chances, because they see what happened to the last three guys before them who "took chances" (A&R reps apparently last an average of 6 months to a year at any given label, even with successes under their belt). At the A&R panel I went to today, they were cracking JOKES about the idea of an artist over 40 getting a record deal in today's market. Because the IMAGE (and the willingness to tour the country in a mini-van for $50 a night) are such important factors in appealing to the teenagers and twenty-something that predominantly spend their pocket money -- and/or their rent money -- on music. As a side note, I gather from what I saw this week that the current "Image" continues to include multiple tattoos and piercing, though I noticed a new (to me, anyway) influx of badly fitting button-down shirts. (I witnessed one guy get a compliment from a female A&R rep for his plaid button-down -- a shirt even my Dad would have considered safe to wear to a PTA meeting.) And then there were a couple of kids with weird contacts on that made their eyes look alien, pink dreadlocks, and stripper outfits -- all, I suppose, trying to "fit in" and "stand out" at the same time. Anyway, obviously I'm swimming upstream here. I have no tattoos, only a tiny little stud earring (on ONE ear, no less), some gray hair, and too much fashion sense to wear a button down shirt that pops open in the middle. And my music sounds more like Don Henley/Jackson Browne/Beatles/Joni Mitchell than it does like LimpBizkit/Creed/Britney Spears/Radiohead. (Jeez, I've got at least four songs about DEATH in my repertoire, and not a single one about using heroin, trashing my last love interest, or putting my life on the line to get in somebody's pants.) I'm starting to see more clearly that my "target audience" is probably not twenty-something at all (except, of course, for those deeply contemplative, emotionally mature and spiritually hungry kids like I was), but more than likely the very generation that has been disenfranchised by the music industry of late, i.e., the Baby Boomers and their Elder Kids. I just hope I can find the means to get my music HEARD by the people who would appreciate it, 'cause they're not watching MTV, listening to 99X or hanging out at the mall, and they're CERTAINLY not spending their days cruising the internet... 7-22-01 So now it's up to God what "happens" (or doesn't happen) with it. You go, God!
7-21-01 Big Deal. Yeah, yeah, the internet has leveled the playing field for musicians, signed and unsigned, to reach the masses. Yup. We now have a level playing field of a bazillion wanna-be recording artists with web pages and home recordings from their MIDI studios, all competing fairly for the attention of whoever it is that has enough free time and nothing better to do than surf the internet for crappy-sounding MP3 files. Sorry for starting off so cynical. I'm tired. It's hard work making music, no kidding. At least it is for me. And I'm scared, really scared. And I don't mean that in a superficial way -- though I wish I did. I've spent the last three years of my life and every cent I could get my hands on -- including going into debt for the first time in my adult life -- to complete my first album. And now it's almost done and... NOBODY MAY GIVE A DAMN. I can re-coup the financial losses. I can introduce myself to my friends again. I can find meaning and purpose in other areas of my life. I can even clean my closet and attend to my desk piles. But if no one really HEARS what I've created and GETS IT, I have to admit I'll likely be taking my mid-life crisis to another level. So it's pretty apparent to me that I've got a chip on my shoulder, and I hate to admit it. I'm angry that all these people "make it" in the music industry who have virtually nothing to say (or at least nothing worth listening to) and all these people with real heart and talent work themselves to the bone and end up back at their day jobs. In fact, I'm just flat out AMAZED at the narrow-mindedness and insanity of the music business right now. Maybe if I get a couple of tattoos and a naval ring... Maybe if I take up a heroin addiction... Anyway, I've truly crammed the best of me into this album for the last two and a half years, forty to fifty hours a week for sure. If I had known how hard it would be and how many obstacles I would encounter, I probably would have passed on the whole thing. But now I'm about to give birth, and there's something sacred about it. I'm about as pregnant as you can get, and I'm about to have a litter of fully-formed songs, all hoping to get adopted by you (and lots of other open-hearted, open-minded music lovers out there...). I think I now I know something of what women must feel when they've carried their first baby around with them for 9 months or so. It's time for this thing to get out of me! But unlike little human infants, these songs will have to stand on their own right from the start. I'll push them out of the nest alright, but if they can't fly, they just won't survive... Sometimes I like to beat metaphors to death. But I'll stop now while this metaphor still has some life left in it... One thing I want you to know about me and my Musical Mission before I call it a night: it's extremely important to me that my music actually serves you in some way. Perhaps just by opening your heart a little on an otherwise crappy day. Perhaps by leading you to think a little differently about something that matters to you. Perhaps in some one of the countless other ways little things can make a difference in our lives when we least expect it. But that is my aim, no doubt about it. If all this music does is "entertain" you, than I have failed. I truly believe (actually I know) that music has the power to open us, uplift us, expand us, wake us up a bit from our tawdry little trances. I hope this music does that for you. I hope you'll let it. NOTE: I stopped making entries here a LONG time ago (perhaps for obvious reasons!). I leave this here for no other reason (besides laziness!) than the chance that something written here will some day speak to some other aspiring musician, and bring them a moment of compassion (or maybe even inspiriation!) for themselves... |
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© 2000-2001 Tony Rooney